“But what is happiness?
It’s the moment before you need more happiness.” – Don Draper, Mad Men
We’ve been here before, haven’t we? The burning misery, the incessant crying, the obsessive
madness. The suicidal compulsion. Never ages, only evolves.
What led to
January 3rd was a quick change in… not fortune, but mindset. There’s
scarce fortune in life. Two months prior to that, I wouldn’t have thought I
would get this bad again. 2018 was one of the best years of my life, and a
much-needed tonic for the disasters of the two prior. Graduation, employment,
award win, the World Cup, memories for a lifetime either side of that.
And yet,
it happened again.
I never
thought that I had ‘beat’ depression – I don’t think anyone can once it’s taken
hold of you – but I was confident I was over the worst. For about 12 months,
the sleepless nights were rare, the undereating was infrequent (overeating not
so much but I'm working on it), the worries had subsided. The past seemed to be put to bed, at long
last. But every moment of my existence remained amplified, every minute pounding
and thumping away at my mind.
Midway
through November… I just snapped. I was overcome with it all again, coated over
the top of my skin like an exo-suit. I became that person again. That was me. I
had no choice. I wrestled with it until the New Year, determined to try and win
this time. I lost. I always lose.
January 3rd.
115 missed calls. 4,063 unread messages. In the moments where I want to die,
the moments where I lose my reluctant religion of things ever getting better, I’m
annoyed to be surrounded by such thoughtful people.
A month of
isolation followed, though plans and visits were frequent in a latency period
filled with drunk and drugged testimonies of my friends’ burning misery,
incessant crying, obsessive madness when they knew I set out to commit suicide.
Perhaps this leads to a wider point, that suicidal people recognise how their
actions will impact the lives of others, and yet they still feel so awful
inside that they go ahead. That’s the real showing of how gripping depression
is.
I got a
cat. Coco.
I
experienced the best moment of my life.
The best
night of my life.
A new job.
In the
grand scheme of things, it’s both a little and a lot. It doesn’t solve my
problems, but it certainly doesn’t exasperate them. I’d rather be in this
position than the one I was in last winter.
It’s always
hard, even when it seems like it isn’t, but I keep going. This is my life now.
I won’t ever be rid of it, the 20-stone monkey that I’ll never beat. I’m not the only one.
Actions
have consequences, words have power. Take care of one another.
 |
| Immortals. |
